I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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