Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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