I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Floor bacon is actually really good
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