took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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