I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
