I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
