textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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