is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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