she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
