I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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