my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This is my gift to your gina
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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