i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
