Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
