Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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