Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
