if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
