I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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