So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
