My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
