Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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