I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
