mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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