She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
