he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
