Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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