i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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