Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
