i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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