I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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