so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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