I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
