May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
