dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
