I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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