Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
