sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
vagina is talking i cant
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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