Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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