currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
