I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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