after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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