I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
