He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You can't special order awesome
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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