you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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