New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
