Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
