I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
