i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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