chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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