I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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