So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
